Obviously,
this particular problem isn't going to happen to most people. However, Wally
Mammoth, one of my assistants, isn't like most people. Wally tends to get into
situations no sane individual gets himself into. And this situation is no
different.
Believe
it or not, with my work and consequently, my assistants' work, it isn't all
that easy to find people with strong enough character or fortitude to agree to
be in a relationship with us. Usually, we have no choice but to be a little
discreet about what we do. In some cases downright dishonest, I'm afraid. For
Wally, he thought he finally found a girl who was willing to accept what he
does for a living. It wasn't until much later we learned why.
For
those of you not from around here, during the last Christmas season, and now
again during this Christmas season, there's been a terrible rash of sex crimes
sweeping through the New England area. The inconceivable part is it's been
happening sometimes in broad daylight, out in the open, right in front of
everyone's eyes, at the local shopping malls.
Apparently,
a woman, who looks much younger than one would suspect, has been posing as a
young girl and going to malls and getting in line to see Santa. According to
reports, the woman will wear a long winter jacket and once she's permitted to
climb on Santa's lap, the woman, while exhibiting a tremendous amount of skill
and flexibility, proceeds to fuck Santa.
Now,
one would think the best thing for Santa to do in this situation is to call
someone over or merely remove the woman. However, this isn't very easy. And
remember, there are tons of parents and kids around. So, for the most part, in
order to cause the least amount of a scene, the Santas have been instructed to,
well, quite simply, follow the woman's lead, and fuck her to completion.
At
which time, again, according to reports, the woman will disengage quite
discretely, and nobody will be the wiser. The only thing that might draw attention
is how long it takes for the attack to be completed. On average, it's about
five minutes. During which time, parents will tend to get impatient and start
to question what the delay is, and at that point, they might realize that Santa
is being attacked. Still, even in this rare occasion, even if they're quite
sure Santa is indeed being fucked, a parent is unlikely to say or do anything
about it, for fear their child might not get a chance to sit on Santa's lap and
hence causing their child to have a wicked hissy fit the rest of the night.
Although, in this instance, the parent will insist that Santa put one of those
red Christmas blankets over his lap before their child sits down on Santa's
recently fucked lap.
To
those among my team, which included Wally Mammoth, Tommy Two-Times Johnson,
Connie Cryer, and myself, Dr. Mosely Untreu, the Serial Mall Santa Fucker story
has become something of an obsession. Whenever there's a new news report about
yet another attack, it's considered must-see TV. Perhaps it's the fact that the
woman in question is a little bit like us, as people who study and sometimes
execute sexual experiments. Regardless, the matter intrigued us to no end.
Recently,
we had started coming up with various ways to perhaps put our fingerprints on
the situation. One time, Wally suggested we go to the malls and try to catch
the girl in action, ourselves. But there's only four of us and about twenty
malls in the area. Another time, Tommy suggested we should pose as Santas. This
idea especially appealed to me, but then I thought about all the other Santa
stuff I would have to do, like dealing with a million kids and listening to all
their greedy droning about what they want for Christmas, and that sounded like
torture.
On
one occasion, when all mentioned were present in my home office, save for Tommy
Johnson, and in his stead we were joined by Lisa, Wally's new girlfriend, and
watching the TV to learn about the newest attack, anxious to maybe hear some
new clue we hadn't yet heard before, a deplorable theory hatched in my mind.
Lisa,
who didn't seem at all interested in the Serial Mall Santa Fucker, was looking
around my office and asked, "Dr. Untreu?"
"Please,
call me Dr. Mosely," I said.
"All
right," Lisa said. "Why don't you have a tree up?"
"Apart
from the fact that this is a place of business, and I must remain neutral as
far as religion and whatnot," I said. "There's also the matter where
I've never had a single solitary inclination to decorate for the holidays. Now,
my wife, Millie, on the other hand, she is our resident Christmas fanatic.
She's presently constructing a massive tree in our living room."
"Really?
I would love to see it!" Lisa exclaimed, very childlike.
"Forgive
her," Wally said. "Your wife's not the only Christmas fanatic around here."
"Sure,"
I said. "Connie can take you to see it."
When
the girls were gone, I looked at Wally, wondering if he had any inkling that
his girlfriend might very well be the woman we're in question. After all, she
was very small. With long brown hair and very big brown eyes. Overall, very
child-like. And apparently she was ga-ga for Christmas. Still, I wasn't about
to broach the subject just yet.
The
very next day, there was another attack. This time in a mall north of Boston.
As soon as I heard about it, my phone rang. It was Wally. We talked about some
unrelated matters for a short while. Then I asked, "So, was Lisa with you
last night?"
"Yes,"
Wally said, a little defensive.
"Really?"
I asked.
"Yes,"
Wally said, a bit more defensive.
"Okay,
well there goes that theory."
"What,
you thought she was the Serial Mall Santa Fucker?" Wally asked, barely
able to deliver the entire sentence before bursting out in laughter.
"Well.
Yes. But I was wrong."
"Fuck,"
Wally said, sounding suddenly serious, and a bit shocked.
"What?"
"I
just realized. She went out Christmas shopping with her sister."
"Really?"
"Yeah.
But I know they really went. I mean, her sister came by to pick her up around 7
pm and dropped her off around 9 pm."
"According
to the news," I said. "The attack took place at 8 pm."
"Yeah,
but what would she do with her sister?"
"What
does her sister look like?"
"Young.
But not as young looking as Lisa."
"Maybe
her sister's in on it. Maybe she posed as Lisa's mother."
"That's
ridiculous."
"Is
it?"
"No.
It's not fucking ridiculous at all. I gotta go," Wally said and abruptly
hung up.
