Recently,
while one of my assistants, Tommy Two-Times Johnson, was trying to crack the
case of the Serial Mall Santa Fucker, it was I, for a change, who had to lend
him some assistance. For those of you who might be curious about the Serial
Mall Santa Fucker, and for those of you who might want a slightly better
understanding of the situation at hand, I encourage you to find the tome,
"What Do You Do When Your Girlfriend Turns Out To Be The Serial Mall Santa
Fucker," which directly precedes and then coincides with this particular
tome.
Here's
the crux of the situation. For those of you not from around here, the New
England area had been having a terrible time with a rash of sex crimes. During
last Christmas, and now, again, during this Christmas, a woman, posing as a
teenage girl in a long winter coat, has been going around to the malls and
fucking the mall Santas. To Tommy Two-Times's credit, who was posing as a mall
Santa at the time, it appeared he might have finally caught the culprit. And
now it was Tommy who was gonna dispense a little justice of his own. Tommy
Two-Times style. By tapping that Santa-fucking pussy from now 'til Christmas.
The
way I saw it, in order for Tommy to dispense his brand of punishment, the way
he saw fit, he was gonna need some time. So, his enemy was anything that got in
the way of that, which were things like, the mall itself, which was approaching
closing time, the remaining last minute parents and kids waiting in line to see
Santa, and Tommy's lone co-worker, a very cantankerous girl dressed in a skimpy
Santa's helper costume.
Now,
there wasn't much I could do about the mall closing. Or the parents and kids
waiting in line. But I could help out with this pesky girl in the skimpy
Santa's helper costume. Especially since she had been so rude to me earlier in
the evening. When all I wanted was to have a quick word with Tommy, she
intercepted me, insisting I wait in line like everyone else, which added 20
minutes to this supposedly quick meeting at the mall.
Ya
see, when Tommy called me to come to the mall, I had no idea what he was up to.
And so, when my wife, Millie, who loves Christmas, asked me if she could come
to the mall with me so she could get some Christmas shopping done, I acquiesced
and brought her along. Upon arrival at the mall, my wife and I went our
separate ways so I could do what I had to do and she could do what she had to
do. So, naturally, I only had so much time to spare. And that's part of the
reason why this girl in the skimpy Santa's helper costume, who made me very
late to reconnect with my wife, got me so particularly upset.
So,
as soon as I was finished talking to Tommy, the girl in the skimpy Santa's
helper costume shooed me away.
"Next,"
the girl in the skimpy Santa's helper costume proclaimed loudly and coldly.
"Next!" she repeated more sternly.
I
retreated out of the little wintry scene and over to the pretzel vendor. And
just when I was about to take off, that's when I realized, to my shock and
surprise, the next person in line was indeed, who I suspected to be the Serial
Mall Santa Fucker all along. At this point, she was already on Tommy's lap,
with her long, loose winter coat, shielding the world around them, while she
proceeded to fuck her next mall Santa victim. Unbeknownst to her, this mall Santa
was no ordinary mall Santa. This mall Santa was Tommy Two-Times and she was in
for a long ride.
After
almost 10 minutes, parents and kids alike started wondering what the delay was
all about. Some even left. Then the girl in the skimpy Santa's helper costume
turned to address the issue. I suddenly slid in front of her.
"Miss?"
I asked.
"You
again. What do you want?" she asked, preoccupied and annoyed.
"I'm
with mall security. I'm gonna need you to come with me."
"What?
Why?" The girl in the skimpy Santa's helper costume's attitude started to
crumble as signs of concern and fear reared their ugly heads.
"Trust
me. It'll be better if you don't ask questions. Let's go."
As
we walked away, the girl apologized to everyone who had been waiting and said
she'd be back as soon as she can.
Luckily,
I had a vague recollection of the administration area at this particular mall.
And so I led the girl in the skimpy Santa's helper costume that way. And due to
a bit more luck, I found an empty office there.
"Have
a seat," I said, waving my hand at a couple chairs in front of a desk.
"Am
I in trouble?" she asked as she sat down.
"That
depends," I said, crossing my arms as I leaned back against the desk.
"On
what?"
Then
the door opened. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. That is, until I saw
that it was my wife, Millie.
"I
thought that was you," Millie said. "What are you doing?"
I
gestured discreetly for Millie to shush. Then I glanced back at the girl in the
skimpy Santa's helper costume. "There's the other one," I said,
sounding pissed. "You have a seat, too," I said to Millie.
"Okay,"
Millie said, a little freaked out, but a little turned on. I could tell.
Unlike
my second and third wives, Millie wasn't at all threatened by my work. In fact,
she was somewhat turned on by it. From time to time, I would even share what
happened with a particular client or situation, where I, or one of my
assistants, might have to fuck somebody, all in the name of psychological
research, you know, in an effort to find the greater good in one situation or
another. And the whole time I was telling her, I would be certain Millie would
be put off, or possibly upset, like one of my prior wives would be. Not at all.
Millie was quite a rare treasure that way. Plus, she was drop dead gorgeous, with
dark features, short and shapely with a massive bosom. All of that and she was
only in her early twenties. About 30 years my junior. So, yeah, I was also
lucky in that respect.
So,
back to this girl in the skimpy Santa's helper costume. "Now, as a representative
of mall security," I started. "It's been brought to my attention that
some of the employees in this mall are dressing way too provocatively. Just
because the mall is rampant with high school hoochies, it doesn't mean our mall
employees should dress like high school hoochies."
Millie
smiled. It seemed somewhat apparent Millie was more than a little excited to be
drafted into whatever was happening.
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